I should be in bed sleeping. However, for some reason sleep eludes me tonight and I’m instead sitting at my desk hacking away at the keyboard.
What brings insomnia I wonder? In my case I think it came from not having anybody there next to me to curl into. It’s completely by choice, my schooling is more important to me at this point then the trials of a boyfriend. But then, what boy would want to date a girl that is in school or at work for eighteen hours of the day and very nearly seven days a week? Perhaps that’s what brings my insomnia tonight. Loneliness.
There is a difference in being alone and being lonely, I understand this completely. By choice I choose to be alone, but tonight, I think its loneliness keeping me awake. The knowledge that nobody wants to even try to know me for me instead of what I could possible do or be worth.
What is loneliness anyway? It’s just and empty feeling that occurs when you have nobody to turn to in the middle of the night. It doesn’t even have to be in the middle of the night. It’s the empty feeling when you need to express yourself to someone who cares only to realize there is no one there who cares. Or even wants to care for that matter.
Don’t mistake me. I have friends. More then I’ve ever had. But do I have any that I can call at this hour just to talk to? No, not at all. Or if I try something must be terribly wrong. I think I’ve collected the wrong kind of friends for that. My friends only come to me when they need something, or when they need to express themselves. Which I don’t mind, truly I don’t, but then not one of them I can use to return the favor. Not one of them expect it from me I’m sure. I am the strength of my circle, the chain that holds everything together. I don’t think I am allowed to break. I am to be counted on for whatever. Yet here I sit with fucking insomnia. How ironic.
How do you know, I wonder, if someone truly likes you for you or if you’re just someone useful at certain aspects of their lives? Maybe that’s what makes me lonely? The knowledge that I am nothing more then a convenience to the people I call friends. Nothing more then a source for whatever they need then forgotten again until something else is needed and yet… yet I don’t turn them away when they come to me. I guess then for a moment it makes the loneliness go away. To feel needed fills the empty spot for a time. But them when my usefulness is gone… the loneliness only comes back stronger.
So here I am when I should be sleeping, lonely. No one to turn to just to simple quiet the insomnia so I can sleep. Just and empty room but for the computer and me. It’s a sad self-reflection. I’ve never had problems though facing the mirror. And usually when I don’t like what I see I change it. But this?
How can you change how people feel or see you? How can you make someone see you for you and not what you’re worth or can do? My mother always told me the outside of a person, their materials only make them what they are; it’s the inside of a person, their heart and soul that makes them who they are. I live by that and don’t see the outside, but how do you make others see that way? Or at least try too?
I don’t think I can change the world. Although when I graduate (Game Art and Design Bachelor) part of the world will know me as a game animator, but then that only increase the material and I doubt that will make anyone see me for me. Perhaps I’m not meant to be anything more then lonely? Here it is one a.m. and still… hmm… and still.
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energetic
lonely
frustrated